This is a frequently asked question. To answer it, we must consider that all couples who intend to marry need to understand the nature of the Sacrament of Matrimony and discern their vocation to it.
In this regard, it is important to note that there is no specific document for the preparation of couples who are already cohabiting. The Sacrament of Matrimony is the same for everyone, and the preparation must therefore be the same, that is, it must address the same content.
Saint John Paul II had already taught that “this renewed catechesis of young people and others preparing for Christian marriage is absolutely necessary” (FC, 66). It is not something intended only for traditionally engaged couples, but for all candidates for marriage. In this way, the Church seeks to ensure that the “yes” spoken at the altar is the fruit of a conscious decision — more of a vocational commitment than a mere regularization of a situation.
Furthermore, if well structured, a preparation for Marriage can enable couples to acquire new knowledge and revisit concepts and practices in their lives. No couple, not even those who serve as catechists or pastoral agents, is so well instructed and experienced that they have nothing left to learn.
The most recent document of the Holy See on Marriage preparation, Catechumenal Pathways for Married Life (Dicastery for Laity, Family and Life, 2022), reinforces the need to accompany cohabiting couples through a proper process of discernment:
“Pastoral experience in large parts of the world has encountered a constant, widespread increase of demand for sacramental marriage preparation on the part of couples who are already living together, have celebrated a civil marriage, and have children. Such demand can no longer be sidestepped by the Church or flattened within programs mapped out for those who come from a minimal journey of faith. Rather, these situations call for personalized accompaniment, or small-groups, which are geared toward the maturation as a person and as a couple on the path toward Christian marriage, through the rediscovery of the faith, beginning with Baptism and a gradual growth in understanding the meaning of the Rite and Sacrament of Marriage.” (CPML, 25)
When I present these reflections, it is common to hear that the reality of a newly engaged couple differs from that of couples who already live together, especially when they have cohabited for decades. And indeed, there are particular characteristics, but these must be addressed through pastoral sensitivity, not by excluding formative content.
It is also often argued that a longer preparation might discourage those who are motivated to regularize their situation. However, shortening the formative process is not a proper solution. In such cases, simplifying does not mean helping. If the couple has already lived together for many years and if they genuinely desire the Sacrament, the “barrier” of dedicating a few months to proper preparation should not be a problem.
This is precisely where the role of the pastoral team becomes essential: to visit the couples, speak with them, and show them that a period of discernment with several meetings and reflections is not a burden, but a benefit. The Marriage Catechumenate is a great opportunity, a true gift the Church offers so that couples may receive the Sacrament with full awareness. That is to say, it is also the mission of pastoral agents and catechists to encourage couples along this journey.
However, from a pastoral perspective, I would like to make two observations:
Should the topics be adapted to the couple’s profile?
Church documents do not propose different content depending on the couple’s specific situation. Rather, they emphasize a common minimum formation for all those who seek the Sacrament. For example, the 1996 document Preparation for the Sacrament of Marriage (PSM) already outlined the essential themes to be addressed by those preparing for Marriage:
“The engaged should receive instruction regarding the natural requirements of the interpersonal relationship between a man and a woman in God’s plan for marriage and the family: awareness regarding freedom of consent as the foundation of their union, the unity and indissolubility of marriage, the correct concept of responsible parenthood, the human aspects of conjugal sexuality, the conjugal act with its requirements and ends, and the proper education of children.” (PSM, 35)
Thus, one should not assume that a couple beyond childbearing age does not need to reflect on responsible parenthood or on natural methods. Quite the opposite: these are among the most necessary topics, as they touch on some of the most delicate and demanding aspects of the commitment assumed in Matrimony. So much so that the most recent Church document about marriage preparation — Catechumenal Pathways for Married Life (2022) — reaffirms the need to address these issues in the so-called Proximate Preparation, that is, in the stage which comprises the Marriage Catechumenate offered to all who seek the Sacrament:
“There are many other aspects related to the human reality of the person and the couple which need to be properly explored: the human dynamics of conjugal sexuality, the proper understanding of responsible paternity and maternity, and the raising of children. Catechesis and Christian teachings will help consolidate knowledge of the truth related to marriage and the formation of personal conscience. At this stage, the experience of spouses with several years of marriage behind them can offer a precious contribution.” (CPML, 53)
In light of this final sentence of the recommendation above, I would add that, whenever possible, more mature couples should be accompanied by equally mature pastoral agents, depending on the availability of the team. This allows for a differentiated approach to certain themes. With pastoral experience, accompanying couples can employ the strategies they deem most appropriate: they may choose to address certain matters more briefly when they perceive that the couple already has a sound understanding or explore others in greater depth when needed. This is a matter of pastoral wisdom, but it must never result in the omission of any of the essential topics recommended by the Church.
After all, couples should not come to know this content merely “in order to get married”. Access to the beautiful doctrine of the Church is fundamental for their Catholic formation and, moreover, it is their right to know it. Looking further ahead, they may pass it on to their children, grandchildren, and friends, or even become pastoral agents themselves, in which case such doctrine becomes all the more essential.
A specific course for couples who already live together?
There is no reason to create separate groups or parallel structures for preparing couples who already cohabit. If everyone requires the same preparation and content, dividing couples according to their current living situation could easily be perceived as a form of segregation. Furthermore, the fragmentation and creation of groups would never end: first, separating those who cohabit from those who do not, then those with children from those without, then those with adult children from those with young children, and so on.
On the contrary, there are compelling reasons for all couples to participate together, such as the richness of shared experiences. On some themes, couples who have lived together for years can offer valuable support to the younger ones, for example, on parenting or managing household finances. On the other hand, young couples who live chastely can witness that this lifestyle is not a utopia, but a real and attainable path.
Therefore, all couples who desire to receive the Sacrament of Matrimony, regardless of their personal history or how long they have lived together, should be referred to the parish team responsible for the Marriage catechumenate (usually the Marriage Preparation Ministry) so they may participate in the Preparation Sessions for Married Life. In these meetings, preferably held in small groups and with regular frequency, they will be accompanied with due attention to their particular life circumstances.
