I have received several questions on this matter. The participation of parents is very important in our lives — and even necessary at certain stages. To answer objectively, we must keep in mind that preparation for Marriage is not limited to a single stage, but consists of three. And each stage may consist of different activities.
I believe there is no doubt that the example and teachings of parents within the family are among the first motivations for married life. These are actions that belong to the Remote Stage, which constitutes the Pre-Catechumenal Phase.
However, the questions I receive belong directly to the Proximate Stage, when the couples begin to participate in preparation sessions, formation meetings, or marriage catechumenate. To answer them, I will turn to the most recent document of the Church on marriage preparation: Catechumenal Pathways for Married Life (CPML).
This document presents (or reaffirms!) a challenge to all those involved in marriage preparation: to attract couples to the marriage catechumenate before the formalization of their engagement. This is evident throughout the document and explicitly stated in paragraph 59, within the section on the Proximate Stage:
“At the conclusion of this stage, the Rite of Betrothal could take place as a sign of entry into the subsequent stage of final preparation.” (CPML, 59)
As previously explained in another text, the couples who take part in the marriage catechumenate should not be engaged, but rather dating (including those who are cohabiting and have no impediments to Marriage); that is, they should be in a process of discernment regarding the vocation to Marriage (cf. CPML, 63).
There is often confusion about these stages, even among pastoral agents with years of experience. To avoid any misunderstanding, I wish to emphasize that the preparation sessions for married life (still commonly thought as a course for “engaged couples”) belong to the Proximate Stage, not the Immediate Stage. And the keyword of the Proximate Stage is discernment.
It is good for everyone to get to know their partner’s family. However, within a process of discernment, every form of pressure should be avoided. The presence of parents in formal rites or meetings during this stage may suggest that the couple is already certainly going to marry, and that the parents are there to begin thinking about the wedding and future family life.
The document from the Holy See on preparation for Marriage does not recommend meetings involving pastoral agents, couples, and their parents during the Proximate Stage. On the contrary, it reflects on the risks of exposing couples to certain situations:
“Such situations could negatively influence the discernment process of engaged couples and limit their freedom, thus creating the conditions for a null celebration of marriage. Therefore, prudence and careful evaluation of how to present these rituals are recommended, according to the relevant social context. In some cases, for instance, it may be preferable for such rituals to take place only among the group of couples following the catechumenal pathway, without involving family members or others. In other cases, however, it would be better to avoid the rituals altogether.” (CPML, 26).
Since this is a time for discernment, in which no pressure should be present, I believe that the direct involvement of parents in formal meetings with their children and the catechist team is not appropriate during the Proximate Stage. Such participation is more suitable once discernment has been completed; that is, beginning with the Rite of Betrothal, when the Immediate Stage begins, focusing on the spiritual and liturgical preparation for the celebration.
